So, I learned how to Skype recently. It was fun. It was helpful. I got some hand-holding on an unpleasant task from Connecticut. Thanks, hand-holder. Now I need someone to help me make my apartment warm by putting the saran wrap-like stuff on the windows. The person who was supposed to help me gave me about a 15 minute window during which we could go to Home Depot and put the stuff up. To which I said I would do it myself. But I didn't. It is a long story that ends in me getting frazzled, coming home, putting on a lot of clothes, and ordering another space heater. If I promise to help you do something, I will try really hard to keep my promise AND to give you a realistic amount of my time in which to accomplish this thing I'm helping you do. Especially if it involves eating cookies, as I like cookies very much.
I'm going to do something I rarely do, but I am feeling it, so you shall benefit or not or whatever. Ok, so I'm a single, heterosexual girl. Recently, I have dated a 24 year-old kid who looks like Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High. I swear, when I met him, I reached out to touch his wallet with absolute knowledge it was one of the Velcro kind. And it was. And I'm not psychic. And I'm way too old to date 24 year-olds. End of Spicoli, Jr. Then there was friend of friend who I hung out with a few times. More age-appropriate, yet felt the need to mention the end of a very long-term relationship and his subsequent twice a week relationship therapy group on a very regular basis. He mentioned the word "dating," which freaked me out, as we were not, and proceeded to allot me approximately 15 minutes to assist in my pursuit of warmth project. Now he avoids me like Chernobyl tap water. I think his relationship group told him he should do that. It's ok. I did not want to be DATING him. But I'm super grateful to him for making me feel kind of bad about myself. Then there was a guy I met and kind of liked, but he lives in Chicago. Then there was the guy I met for a drink. He was the human Eeyore. He was so dejected I could barely stand it. He is a nice person and I hope he finds his Piglet or Pooh or something, but I'm not Piglet or Pooh.
There is a story I wrote where I say something like - you call me compelling and captivating. The words are precursors to difficult and irrational. My appeal does seem to have a short half life. Or whole life.
So, I am reverting to spinsterhood or spinsterdom or whatever. I am backing off. I will be compelling or difficult from afar. You might be thirsty, but it's probably a good idea to steer clear of radioactive beverages.
Keep an eye out. A compelling and captivating person is going to do a guest blog post. I don't know when, but it will happen and it will be so good you will probably say, hey Lauren. Please give your blog to your guest blogger. I hope that doesn't happen. But if your relationship therapy group prefers her, and it will make you like me (still or more), I might have to do it.
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